Turn, Turn, Turn

Dear Mom, 

Just like The Byrds sing it ...

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones
A time to gather stones together

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace
A time to refrain from embracing

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late!

The days keep going by and we all keep going.  The earth keeps turning, and so do our calendars. Halloween has come and gone, we gave thanks at the end of November, and these 2 turned 5 last weekend.

We are coming up on Christmas. I am doing ok and keeping very busy. I don't know if you or the big man upstairs has something to do with my job, but luckily it has kept me more than busy. It keeps my mind from wondering into the darkness of missing you during the day.  After work the twins and household work keeps me busy, and at night I am sleeping soundly most nights.

Sometimes you speak to me at night in my dreams, I wake up with tears on my face, but I usually have a feeling of assurance that you are at peace and we will be alright.  You didn't speak to me in my dreams at first, just little sightings here and there.  It is comforting for the most part.

We are heading down to the cabin next weekend, and we will sure miss you. I miss sharing stories of the twins with you. I would give anything to hear you laugh at this little thing called parenting.

Lilly is into girl things. Tea Parties, arts and crafts, stuffed animals, kitties, horses, glitter, princess', unicorns, candy, and more candy, you name it. She can act like a little mother hen at times, and quickly turn into a valley girl drama queen.

Charlie is 110% boy, and loves legos, super heros, playing out in the snow, eating the snow, hard boiled eggs, egg sandwiches, and chocolate milk. He is well mannered like his father.

The Tea Set we use for our Tea Parties, is from Walker, MN. We bought it last summer when we were vacationing in Cass lake. 

Our Tea Parties usually end up as water soaked blanket/floor, but owell. 

Look below...who is the leader who is the follower?

Sorry again for the long delay in my letter. If you aren't too sure of what the lyrics at the top of the blog are.  Click the link below: 

The Byrds Turn, Turn, Turn

Keep watch over all of us for a safe and healthy holiday season and a rocking 2015. We all deserve it.  

Love and miss you like a crazy lady,

Mando

Flashback

Last Thanksgiving we were rallying around you and the fight. We hadn't lost hope yet, and I am still in awe of the fight you gave, Mom. You inspire me every single day, even from up there.

9 Things I Learned In The Year After My Mother Passed

I learned the world won’t stop for you.

There are many days that still leave me defeated, but life isn’t a video game. You can’t pause the moment or rewind time; you are not given an infinite number of lives.
You are given one life, and the world will continue to move on, despite the fact you may feel like your whole world has stopped. The only way to heal is to keep moving.

---

I learned your troubles will not always be at the forefront of everyone else’s mind.

When you are fighting your own internal battles, it seems surreal when no one else notices the torment raging just below your surface. You may feel as though you are screaming and railing against the bars of life, but still, no one will hear you.
Through this experience, I learned people will move on quicker than you will. Sympathy is fleeting when you are not the one with an injured wing — and that’s okay.

---

I learned love knows no boundaries.

I used to fear that moving away from those I loved most would hinder my relationships and somehow fade with physical distance. Now, I fear the unrequited stream of communication with the person I love most will cause those precious memories to slip through my fingers, like a wisp of smoke.
But love — unconditional love, at that — knows no boundaries; it will never be lost, regardless of the distance in time and space.

---

I learned that though people can’t be replaced, you can still find peace.

Justifying death can put you on a journey with a revolving door. It is endless and forever spinning. No amount of begging, crying or yelling could possibly right the wrong you feel.
While it will take a lifetime to recover from the emptiness I feel, I have taken a step down the path of self-preservation to find peace within myself.

---

I learned there is strength in perception.

You could spend years wondering why the world chose to plague you with misery and misfortune or you can pick up your head and see the heartbreak around you. Someone else may be willing to give everything to have the gifts you overlook in your own life.
When sadness and despair begin to close in around me, I find myself redirecting those thoughts to others who are struggling elsewhere. Reevaluating the negatives in your life with a different perspective can often bring you a step closer toward reconciliation.

---

I learned to be grateful for what you still have.

The happiest people are those who value what they have rather than focusing on what they lack. How can you appreciate the good without the bad? If you lost something or someone dear to you, take a moment to appreciate everything you still have within reach, regardless of how big or small.

---

I learned you still have control in your life.

Understanding you have control over your emotions and actions is the first step toward overcoming any obstacle.
You may not be able to change everything that happens to you in life, but you can change how you react and behave in challenging situations and the direction you choose next.

---

I learned adversity isn’t an excuse to give up.

Motivation. Dreams. Goals. Focusing on forward movement will not only keep you from remaining stuck in the past, but also help to purify your thoughts.
In the end, after you overcome those struggles, you can look back to see the strength in your pain. You can rarely recover what you lost, but you still have everything to gain.

---

I learned it’s never truly goodbye, only see you later.

I know in my heart my mother will never be gone, even when I’m aging in my rocking chair. As the one person in my life who is irreplaceable, I know she will always be there. So, it is not goodbye, just see you later — until next time.

Credit: Alyssa Samson 

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween Mom,
      
         Missing you this fall season and the parties down at Windsor Pines. I would love to see your face when you see how elegant Lilly rocks her Blue Elsa dress this year. It is homemade, and stands out above the rest of the 8 million Elsa's out there this year. Elsa is from Frozen, we saw Frozen as a family last Thanksgiving after a our huge meal at Rick and Connie's House.

      The movie Frozen,  will always hold a special place in my heart.  Even the grown men in our family suffered through the endless singing and candy, to sit one last time as a family in a cozy dark theatre to watch the premiere of one of Disney's best productions.   I will post an obnoxious amount of pictures later on of all the cuteness that comes with this Holiday.

Love,
Mando

6 Months

Dear Mom,
 
Today is officially the 6 month mark of your passing. I actually feel it has been a lot longer than 6 months. It feels forever ago, and I am not sure why. Everything else seems to fly by with the twins, life,work, etc. However when I think of you being gone 6 months, I feel like you have been gone for 6 years. I am sure that is chalked up to how bad I miss you and how I think of you multiple times a day.

It is my favorite time of year, and this is the first fall you didn't come and visit after the catering "rush" calmed down and allowed you to leave town for a weekend to visit the Mergens. I have still managed to fill our calendar every weekend, but I would drop any of those plans to have you visiting.

The picture above was snapped about 4 hours ago on our pre-dinner walk. The twins are testing their limits, and like to leave me in the dust on the way to the park these days. I snapped this quick, and didn't even realize the light shining down on the twins. I would of loved to have seen my face when I realized what I had just captured on the 6 month anniversary of your passing.

I think it was your little way of telling me to keep on keepin' on, Mando.  In a pouting face I reply.. ..." I am not happy about it, but FINE!" 

Miss you and love ya tons!
Your Little Dew bug!

Twin Love

This picture looks worse than it really is. He never hit her, they were just being really silly. I can't even post this on facebook right now. With all the talk about Domestic Violence and Ray Rice, I am sure someone would take this the wrong way and chew my ass, so for now I will just keep it on the blog.

Enjoy a laugh. If you are offended, just move on.

Happy Friday,
Mandy

Back To The Basics

Dear Mom,
      I have been taking a blog break, but I am back. We continue to fall back into normalcy each and every week. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you though. It is really funny the little things that will come up that will remind me of you.  Some trigger memories of you, and some trigger the good ol' "How would Mom handle this, or What would mom do?"

I had been catching myself getting wrapped up in how to deal with things, and I just kind of talked myself into getting back to the basics. It is something I often use in my personal and professional life. It works pretty well. Instead of trying to use big words, and quote philosophers, just go back to the basics and try to work from there. It sounds easy, and it really is. I just figured I would enjoy each day, count my blessings, and do things that make people feel good (including myself).

You sometimes just have to jump into something to get the initial 'shock' over with.

Over Labor Day weekend, I packed up the twins and headed down to the cabin. I was not sure how it would feel without you down there, or what the weekend would be like. Well....it wasn't that bad. We talked about you around the campfire, and it felt right.  We jumped in and did the "duties" that you would of done, and it all worked out.

We took in the fabulous sunsets that the valley has to offer. Pretty basic and easy.

We shot of potato guns and rifles.

We grilled out and just kicked back. No set plans, just family and fun.

The kids shot BB Guns at a limp Dr. Pepper can.

Everyone loved jumping on Tommy's Redneck Trampoline.

We tested our boundaries, and tried to catch launched apples. (Impossible)

You were with us though the whole time. When I took this picture below (2 years ago), I never thought twice about how precious this shot would be.

The following week, I sent my babes off to school. I knew you wouldn't of missed this day for the world. You would of bought them their outfits for the first day, promised them toys for no tears, wanted pictures immediately, and shared the pictures to all your friends at work.

I had some major anxiety about this day, but I tried to play it cool just like you would of. I think I did OK, too. I continue to live life for you and make you proud.  So do these little monkeys!

This picture is fun... So just ask any silly question and these twins will raise their hand. 
"Who is going to school today?"
"Who farted?"

They run at their mamma, just as I would run to you back in the day.

 

 

Love,
Mandy

Simple Things....

Dear Mom,
     Last year I was taken out of my comfort zone, and forced to learn new words in the medical world. I could rattle off medications and what they helped out with like a pharmacist. Not really, but I felt like it. I knew what anti nausea meds worked for you and I know what ones helped the nausea subside. I knew the generic names of your cancer drugs, and the real names. I could go down the line and name what drug we tried first and what drug we were on. I had your medicine dosage down to a T and could draw up those meds like Nurse Jackie.

I was introduced to a new level of anxiety on scan days.  I was finally accustomed to the smell of Methodist Hospital and Mayo Clinic. You know how I am with weird smells and how they drive me crazy.  I could sit in a medical office, be given bad news and not cry, and keep my head high.   It opened my eyes to a lot and pulled on my reins a bit as well.

I racked up 1,600 miles a month on my new van with frequent trips down to Rochester. It just was what had to be done and I never really thought twice. I would bring the twins down together or one at time to make sure I was still getting my child time, as I was working 40 hours a week as well.

Anyways, that is all behind me. Lately we have been enjoying the simple things in life, and I know you would be so proud and at ease knowing we are slowly but surely falling back into what we do, and what makes us tick.

I catch myself feeling "BORED" and looking for things to do, and I feel that pull on the reins. Slow down. Enjoy today.

Days with the twins can be long at times, but the years go by so fast.

Soaking in the little things, like wrapping your little girls soggy hair around cheap foam curlers from Walgreen's.

I so wanted to be able to send you these wonderful shots of my sweet babes. Almost every picture I take, I try to envision what their Grandma Pam's face would look like when she took the first glance.

I know you saw all this, and I am so proud to capture these moments for you and everyone else to enjoy.

"All that I am, or hope to be. I owe to my mother." -Abraham Lincoln. 

Sweet Child Of Mine...

 

"Sweet Child O' Mine"

She's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky

Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that special place
And if I stared too long
I'd probably break down and cry

Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine

She's got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I'd hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain

Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place
Where as a child I'd hide
And pray for the thunder and the rain
To quietly pass me by

[3x]
Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine

[4x]
Where do we go?
Where do we go now?
Where do we go?
Sweet child o' mine

 

 

I have this song blaring in my earbud this morning, and I just can't help but think of my sweet child Lilly. She may be a twin, but she is a polar opposite of her twin brother. It is pretty much Lilly and I in one boat, and Adam and Charlie in the other. She is loud, weird, quirky, moody, messy, a hoarder, loves to get pretty, loves to be one of the boys, loves to dance,  sassy, unpredictable she is me. People who knew me as a child look at her and just shake their head. 

Up North

Dear Mom,
 This post is a little late. The summer is flying by like a Bat Out Of Hell, and I am just going with the flow. As promised, I wanted to follow my emotional post from before,  with memories from Cass Lake. This year at Cass was the first without you, and you were sure missed. I look back at all the pictures I took last year, and there are so many that I love. I took 4 times the amount of photos last year compared to this year. As always Cass Lake did not disappoint.

 

The water was a lot higher, and we were not able to really walk on that pier you are on above. It was pretty much underwater, as you can see below. Your fish of a Granddaughter "Lilly" made sure to swim as much as possible, even if it involved getting swimmers itch.

 

We did not do much minnow catching either. The high water and unsafe docks kept us away. 

As always Great Grandpa's knowledge and patience kept the twins busy.

 

We didn't do a group picture this year either. It didn't really ever come up and I think we just wanted to enjoy the days, and everyone was so busy it just snuck away from us.

As always the twins were showered with affection and attention. 

The twins did tattoos again this year as well, and lots of different art projects to keep them busy. Ice Cream at the lodge every night was very common. I also got to witness, how HYPER Charlie gets from a Sugar High. Pretty comical.  I can just picture you laughing at him.

Although the week last year had some unknowns of what is ahead, we still enjoyed every minute. This year we kicked back more and just had more emptiness.  You were referenced many times during the week.  As you would of wished though, we still had a great time and felt your presence with us. 

As always Charlie kept everyone laughing.

 

 

We also did the annual, drive by Angler's Old lot and just looked in awe, at the place we went for many years. I am pretty sure, we have the same conversation each year, but it is what we do. 

We had some wet pontoon rides, that created lots of laughs and screams. 

Lilly's new job this year, was to help gather sticks to keep the fire going. I am sure Tony, the resort owner, loved the well manicured hill in front of our cabin, due to our little work horse.

Lilly made friends, just as I used to as a child up north. Jumping off the dock and swimming away.

Charlie took it all in, as he usually does.

 We even hung out with Joe at Star Island for an afternoon.

We slept in, and rolled out of bed, right into our swim gear.

We had watermelon for bedtime snack, after getting all the sand off of us from the day in the sun.

 Lilly was put to work with Aunt Jen, and loved every bit of it.

Yes...she would smell the dishes to confirm cleanliness.

 Walker Thomas celebrated his birthday up there as well. Where did this little monkey haired baby go?

So there is the skinny on the first summer vacation without Grandma Pam.It is still unsettling with me, but it just makes me want to create memories for my children just as you did. It makes me want to duplicate the love and passion you had for your family.

Miss you tons,
Mando