Take Another Little Piece Of Heart Now Baby!

Dear Mom,
      The past year is sort of a blur to me at times. Between working, the kids, and my frequent visits to Rochester I was sort of in cruise control. I just did what needed to be done. During that time I would catch myself forgetting things, and that is not normal for my OCD mind. I forgot to pay daycare one month, I was using my calendar more at work to keep track of events, but I managed. People would commend me left and right about my strength and courage, and I didn't know how to take it. I didn't feel like I did anything different, but maybe adjust my sails a bit.

This morning Lilly was accessorising herself before daycare. It was a big day, as she gets to stay overnight at Gma Nellie's tonight. I work til 8pm and Adam is in the cities. Anyways, Lilly comes to me with this necklace and has the locket open.

Holy $hit! I totally forgot we put a picture of Grandma Pam in that thing. How would I forget that? I have no idea when I did that, I know it was awhile ago though. 

I'm sure during my cruise control behavior over the last year, I just let it slip away from me. Lilly however did NOT forget and is rocking you around her neck today.

Her chipped fingernails and band aid wrapped fingers, hold you with a lot of PRIDE!

The days are growing near when these two head off to pre-school. I know if you were here you would talk me off a ledge and tell me... "Oh, they will be fine. Just go drive around by yourself and listen to some loud music."

I will never forget your advice to me when the twins were infants and I was miserable. No joke. You said.. "I do that often, I usually blast a Meatloaf song."  I'm still taking your advice and I rock my speakers when alone.

Miss you lots, and I am sure you are so happy to see Lilly and her Locket today.

By the way....what kind of birthday party are you having up there? Storms down here are something fierce. Are you done yet?  The winds were like a Bat Out Of Hell lastnight, and shattered my Gazing Ball!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ez-znJzqLsc


Love ya,
Mando

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Dear Mom,
Today is hurdle two after you left us. First Mother's Day, and now your birthday. 4 years ago you had a birthday wish. The wish was for all family to get together for a family photo. Your simple request shows what you loved most. You didn't ask for a designer handbag or expensive perfume. Don't get me wrong, we all love those things, but you wanted what meant most to you.  None of us thought twice. We traveled down for the whole weekend and did a family photo shoot at the Fogarty's.

We all think about you daily, but today just a tad bit more. We miss you so bad it hurts, but love you so much it feels good. I would give almost anything to have you back, even if it was for a trip to Red Lobster to have some Walt's fried shrimp on your birthday.

I told Lilly that it was your birthday, and she immediately ran to the kitchen table, and whipped together a card for you to hang on the cabin fridge.  Bless her heart. The card looks like something that was shot with a BB Gun, but she is learning how to utilize scissors.

I did some digging for some old, new and recent pictures that I have with you. These are just a few.

This morning the twins and Adam arrived home from the lake. I had some fresh Donuts here waiting for them.

I hope you are enjoying your first birthday up there.  I am sure you are sitting in central park or by a lake.  I am sure your meal tonight will either be a Cheeseburger with raw onion and mayo, or fried shrimp.

Party on, Mom!

Love Your Little Dew Bug!

Their Only Friend

Dear Mom,
The other day Adam and I were driving the twins to the beach. We always pass a cemetery when we head into or out of town. As we passed the Cemetery Charlie starts to talk about friends in Heaven.

"Hey, Liddy, how many friends you have in Heaven?" asks Charlie
"Only one , and it is Grandma Pam." Lilly promptly answers
"Yep, me too. Grandpa Pam is my only friend I have in heaven." states Charlie sounding like a 68 year old farmer.

The conversation almost made me stop the van and cry on the side of the road, but it also made me smile from ear to ear.

I kept driving and listening to their sweet innocent conversations.

You were their first person that they can remember to leave and go to heaven. We know it won't be their last, but you know how it goes. There is something about "firsts." You never forget them. Your first kiss, your first hangover, your first heartbreak, your first spring break, your first friend to die from high school etc... I could go on and on. Whether they are AWESOME firsts or HORRIBLE firsts you never forget them.

Still thinking about you daily, and at times wondering if I am going crazy. I know I am not and I know I am normal. Summer is here and we are going to lake next week. I was already up north last weekend, and bought a ton of fudge in your honor at Christmas Point. I also bought a cute dress that you would approve of, and a sweet picture frame to hang in our entry way. Hanging out in the store alone with out you by my side felt weird, but it was also very calming at the same time. I would glance at things, and think... "Mom would like that."

The picture above is you rocking Charlie through his first teething induced high fever, during the summer of 2010. I was beside myself thinking he was going to go into a seizure with how high his fever was. You always had a way of calming me and my babes.

In a couple weeks we all head up north for our first Cass Lake summer without you physically with us. We will still have a grand ol' time, as I know you would not want us to sit in the cabin all week and be sad. We are going to get our ass out on that pontoon and have some FUN! Maybe even blast a little Meatloaf in your honor.

As Forrest Gump would say.. "That's all I gotta say about that."

Love you and miss you to the moon and back,
Mando