Finding Comfort

Dear Mom

Lastnight Lilly didn't sleep the best and she got up around 1 am for the restroom. I could tell she was having issues in there, so I went in to help her. We were both half asleep and looked like zombies. We had to change her underwear, and she started to fuss about what My Little Pony was on her undies. I was not in the mood to argue, so I quickly gave in. "Lilly if you wear these ones, I will lay in bed with you." She perked up, smiled and said.. "Until Morning Time?"

Now, the thought of sleeping with a Ninja from 1 am to morning did not sound ideal at all, to be honest it sounded like a bad dream.  I quickly reverted back to "What would my mamma do?"..

As a child I played musical beds, and I remember very fondly of sleeping many nights on the floor RIGHT next to your side of the bed.  I recall falling asleep with you, but I am pretty sure when Johnny Carson was over, you would slide me to the floor in hopes you could get a decent nights sleep.

Knowing how secure it felt to sleep with or by my mother, I nodded and agreed to stay in bed with Lilly until "Morning Time"  We cuddled in, and of course the dog joined us as well.  So that went well for about 30 minutes. Lilly fell fast asleep and then moved her elbow into my eye socket. I snuck back out of her bed and back into my bed. (Dog follows me back to my bed)

At 5 am, I hear Lilly shrieking my name. I am sure she awoke and was alarmed I did not stay with her until "Morning Time"  I shot into her room and said... "I am here, I just went potty."  I totally lied, but she fell for it. We went back to sleep until 6:30 am.

We are all looking for comfort this week, as we miss you terribly. I am still making coconut cream pies to fill an empty void. Each one is getting better and better. This week I bought 2% milk to improve the richness of the pudding.  You always had 2% milk on hand, and Chris loved it!

Remember when we watched Grey's Anatomy and Izzy lost Denny?  She copped by baking for hours and hours. I think she had 89 different loafs of banana bread and muffins spread across that kitchen counter.  I thought it was a silly way to cope and now I think it is a great way to cope.

 

This week seems to be a bit harder than last week. I think last week was so busy that is was hard to sit and focus on what really happpened.

 









You are gone... I say that to myself in my head, and it just doesn't settle well. I know you we all carry a little bit of your legacy in us each day.

Mother's Day, Your Birthday, and Up North are all coming up very quickly. I am sad they are so close together and so close to you leaving us.  We will get through them like we do everything else, though.

Love and Miss You,
Mandy

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,
     It was a week ago today that I headed down to Rochester, knowing it wouldn't be long. Your breathing started to become labored and you were sleeping a lot more. You were now non verbal and we couldn't understand you.  The thoughts that went through my head as I drove south were scattered and full of emotion. The radio was silent for most of the trip down. I just drove and let my mind wonder. I made some phone calls to people to keep me occupied when I just needed to talk.

The fight you fought, taught me so many lessons and changed me as a person from here on out. The twins do not get death very well, but I hope to revisit it with them down the road. I will keep you fresh in their minds so they never forget you. Lilly innocently stated.. "So now when we go to Grandma Pam's, it will just be Grandpa Glen?" after I told them you had passed away and are now in heaven. Of course analytic Charlie was not quite sure how he could "Still talk to Gma Pam."  We told him you would send the bugs for him to hunt. They are not quite here yet, as our snow just left. He checks under rocks everyday to see if the bugs have arrived.

I am so thankful your decline was fast and only about 6 days total. A week prior to you passing I had you out at the mall for your last shopping spree.  Your wish of dying at home was honored thanks to the selfless acts of kindness from many friends and family. You went peacefully in your sleep as you wished. God did not answer all my prayers this past year, but at the end he came through.

Your service was nothing short of amazing. Friends came from near and far to honor you. I felt depressed the next day, knowing how many short conversations I had with people.  I wish I had the time and money to pay each and everyone of them a personal visit over the next year. I will continue to thank them and try to stay in touch with as many of them as possible. The amount of flowers there were amazing, as I am sure you saw from your peephole from heaven.

The twins did not behave like typical 4 year olds that day either. Their behavior was SPECTACULAR, and I received compliments from so many people on how good they behaved. You and I both know they were probably partially scared of all the people. They rocked their cute outfits, too.

Charlie wore his first suit ever, to honor you. You were able to see a sneak peek of Lilly's outfit before you passed, and you love it! So that's that. It will be a week ago at 3:30 this coming morning that you took your last breath.  I miss you like crazy and I catch myself wanting to text you still. Pictures of the kids, us out to eat, the twins being silly, etc. I know this will not change, and I look forward to writing you letters for many years to come.

Love you,
Mandy

Dear Mamma

Dear Mom,

The days and hours are coming to an end, and I am going to miss you. I am going to miss texting you multiple times a week, the phone calls, the emails, the advice, the pep talks, oh I could go on and on.  You used to check this blog everyday, and if I went too long without updating it, you were quick to remind me. I have decided to still write you letters on the blog and keep you in the loop. I want to tell you when I am struggling, happy, sad, or when I use one of your go to fixes in life. A warm wash cloth cures 40% of the problems I think though, right?  Vicks vapor rub covers about 30% of the other problems, and the rest...well that takes a glass of wine. Wait, I forgot about the heating pad. That solves a lot of issues, too.

Cancer is taking you too soon, but I think you had me about 98% trained and molded to the perfect woman/mom, so that is good.  I will never forget the hundreds of life lessons you taught me over the years. Although sometime you had to raise your voice to get them through my thick skull, I still took it all in. The past year took a toll on all of us, but it also shaped us and taught us how precious life is.

I am sad about the things you will miss in the years to come, but I am grateful for all the memories we made together. I plan to spew them all over the blog for the next decade or so. As I look back, I would wonder what was pushing me towards the love of photography over the past couple years, and I think it is pretty much contributed to the Twins being born and your battle with cancer.  Both of these events in my life made me realize how I should love life, and try to capture the beauty in life each and every day. As you know, kids grow up way too fast, and life goes just as fast.

When I posted this picture below, my mom sent me an email.  "Mandy, did you take that picture to make fun of my stumpy thumbs?" 

It was hard to see you struggle the past year, and I just wanted to take some of your pain away so you didn't have to carry it all. Knowing that you will soon be at peace gives me a sense of ease as well.

Even though we are going to miss you like crazy, we will still remember all the wonderful times we had. 

Love you mamma, and I will keep you posted with more letters on the blog.  This was our "term".. Keep me posted. If the twins were sick mom always text... Keep me posted. If I went 12 hours without an update, my phone would ding with a message from mom. She would be looking for an update on the twins.

April Snow Showers Bring Bitterness

Lilly was quick to clean up Leni's "mark" in the snow.

 Live life like you left the gate open, is pretty much Leni's motto. 

At least we know 50 degrees is around the corner!

Wet Soggy Spring

 I am not complaining, I will take this over not being able to be outside at all.

Toes were cold and wet, but at least they got to see some sun!

Lilly loves to collect pine cones.

The side of the house has a mini lake, again...I am NOT complaining.

 Lilly is due for some new rain boots, these ones are pretty tight on her feet.

Charlie found a MUSHROOM!

Easter Shoot

Last weekend I had someone else photograph my kids for a change!

Since the human version of the Easter Bunny gives my kids a panic attack, we went with an actual CUTE furry animal. It went over much better.

Thank You EJ Doll Photography.