The article below, has made it's way around social media for sometime now. When I first read the article you did not have cancer, and life was going on as normal. I read it, and still cried. I thought to myself, I don't even want to think of the day when my mom starts to fade away and she leaves me. I had to watch my Grandma Lilly be taken by Alzheimer's in 2010, and the years leading up to that were sad, terrifying, hard and stressful. I was pretty sure that it would be awhile before I would have to go through "that" process again.
I sure struck out. I'm angry and sad that two wonderful woman who made such an impact on my life were taken from me all within 4 years. I feel robbed and taken advantage of. We all got along, we loved eachother, and were pretty damn good pals. That didn't matter.
Lilly didn't even get to grow up to remember the legacy she was named after.
She remembers her Gma Pam though. The twins still tie you into random conversations and it makes my heart swell.
Here is the article I was talking about in the beginning before I started to ramble.
My dear girl, the day you see I'm getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I'm going through. If when we talk, I repeat the same thing a thousand times, don't interrupt to say: "You said the same thing a minute ago"... Just listen, please. Try to remember the times when you were little and I would read the same story night after night until you would fall asleep.
When I don't want to take a bath, don't be mad and don't embarrass me. Remember when I had to run after you making excuses and trying to get you to take a shower when you were just a girl?
When you see how ignorant I am when it comes to new technology, give me the time to learn and don't look at me that way ... remember, honey, I patiently taught you how to do many things like eating appropriately, getting dressed, combing your hair and dealing with life's issues every day... the day you see I'm getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I'm going through.
If I occasionally lose track of what we're talking about, give me the time to remember, and if I can't, don't be nervous, impatient or arrogant. Just know in your heart that the most important thing for me is to be with you.
And when my old, tired legs don't let me move as quickly as before, give me your hand the same way that I offered mine to you when you first walked. When those days come, don't feel sad... just be with me, and understand me while I get to the end of my life with love. I'll cherish and thank you for the gift of time and joy we shared. With a big smile and the huge love I've always had for you, I just want to say, I love you ... my darling daughter.
When I don't want to take a bath, don't be mad and don't embarrass me. Remember when I had to run after you making excuses and trying to get you to take a shower when you were just a girl?
When you see how ignorant I am when it comes to new technology, give me the time to learn and don't look at me that way ... remember, honey, I patiently taught you how to do many things like eating appropriately, getting dressed, combing your hair and dealing with life's issues every day... the day you see I'm getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I'm going through.
If I occasionally lose track of what we're talking about, give me the time to remember, and if I can't, don't be nervous, impatient or arrogant. Just know in your heart that the most important thing for me is to be with you.
And when my old, tired legs don't let me move as quickly as before, give me your hand the same way that I offered mine to you when you first walked. When those days come, don't feel sad... just be with me, and understand me while I get to the end of my life with love. I'll cherish and thank you for the gift of time and joy we shared. With a big smile and the huge love I've always had for you, I just want to say, I love you ... my darling daughter.
Hearing the word "Hospice" made my world crash, but I just sucked it up and did what I had to do. We all did. I know it really bothered you to have people always with you at your house, helping you cope, and get your food and meds. You hated the feeling of "Putting People Out." You knew we had jobs and families to keep running as well. Well guess what, we had people fighting for us as well, and they helped keep those running while we were with you.
Do not worry. We all took something away from those days and nights with you. I never lost my patience with you, it warmed my heart that I was able to help you get a nice hot shower in and feel like a million bucks. I loved putting make up on you, so you could feel pretty. I loved putting lotion on your legs and feet, to make you feel as if you were at a Spa. I loved warming up butterscotch pudding in the microwave and topping it off with reddi whip for your bedtime snack. Your nighttime munchies still make me giggle. The amount of mashed potatoes and butter you consumed in the 7 weeks of hospice, was something fierce.
Stuart Scott a well known ESPN Anchor says it all.
"When you die, that does not mean that you lose to cancer. You beat cancer by how you lived, why you lived and in the manner in which you lived," Scott said. "So live. Live. Fight like hell. And when you get too tired to fight, then lay down and rest and let somebody else fight for you." ~ Stuart Scott
You fought hard, and we all fought right along with you. I remember just listening to you cry and say, "I hate feeling like this." It broke our hearts, but we stayed strong for you.I stayed strong to hide how I really felt, so you didn't see me breaking inside. I am sure you knew how I felt, just due to your motherly instinct.
I catch myself losing my patience with the twins from time to time, and every once in awhile I catch myself stepping back to think before I react. I think to myself, how would my mom handle this? I am sure I followed you around the house just like Charlie and Lilly do, demanding my attention, food, drinks, and treats. I'm determined to ease up and just enjoy it and realize, someday I will miss them following me around, and instead be worried about what trouble they are getting into after 10pm on a Saturday. I know down the road the roles will reverse and I hope to share the above article with Lilly Jean.
Love you to the moon and back!
Your Little Dew Bug
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